just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
