No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
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Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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