If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
