Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
