someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
