I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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