dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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