the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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