i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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