just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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