I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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