We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
