i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
