Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
the liver wants what the liver wants
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
