You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
