how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Boobs are out for the taking
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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