These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
