im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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