I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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