They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
