Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
