I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
