its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
