The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
