It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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