we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
