the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
