pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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