i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
