This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
