I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
