Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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