She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
