Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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