Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
