you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
