I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
