Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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