I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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