I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
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It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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