i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
