i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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