i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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