I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
