Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
