I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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