i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
