Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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