Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
