I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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