She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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