our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
