I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
