He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
