You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
