I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
