just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
