I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
