i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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