then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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