he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
